1. Doubt Mind (and Its Endless Perpetuation) Versus the Revelation of Recognition

Adi Da has always acknowledged that doubts can arise, even after a person has a moment of recognition of Him as the Divine. For this reason, He has said: "If the Revelation [of God] is made clear in this moment, then make a solemn, eternal vow of absolute commitment to God-Realization, and commit yourself to do whatever is necessary for the sake of God-Realization. Devote this life to it, devote whatever time and space appear entirely to God-Realization."

This accounts for the practical reality that a crystal clear moment of genuine Revelation can be followed by many further moments that are not so clear, are clouded by ego, and in which that Revelation may be obscured, momentarily or for extended periods. But one should never let such less conscious, less Revelatory moments cause one to fall from a life that has been rightly organized around the moments of genuine Revelation.

The sun doesn't cease to exist, just because local weather conditions temporarily obscure it from the viewpoint of those under the clouds!

[Devotees] experience Satsang with Me and the quality of Spiritual life in My Avataric Divine Company as something very enjoyable, very profound. Then, all of a sudden, they come to the first point of crisis in this Way of heart-relationship to Me. An insane compulsion, almost like a possession, overcomes them and seems to demand that they abandon this sadhana. They wake up one morning: "My Guru is no good. The gathering of devotees is no good. Spiritual life is no good. None of this has anything to do with me. I should leave and return to my previous, relatively happy existence." If they are able to hold on through a few of these episodes, they begin to see all of this as their own activity, not anything that truly reflects on this sadhana, and they become stable again in Satsang with Me. When this form of crisis is (thus) overcome, then (at some point) a new one develops — just as suddenly and with equal force. Then they think: "The sadhana is good. My Guru is good. The gathering of devotees is good. Truth is good. Spiritual life is good. But I'm no good. I'm not ready for it yet. I'm not an 'old enough' soul yet. I'm still full of desires. I guess I'm supposed to seek for a while." This is the crisis of self-doubt. It is often topped off with the observation (so called) that "My Guru hates me." And, so, they want to leave — if only for that reason! "Narcissus" is always a form of contraction, of separation, of leaving. But if you are able to pass through both of these crises — still holding on to Me, still maintaining a responsible refusal to exploit this subjective life-drama — then you can begin to settle stably into the Real Spiritual life of Satsang with Me. Avatar Adi Da Samraj, My "Bright" Word

Adi Da explains how this doubt of "self" and "other" is an inherent characteristic of egoity, which the ego enacts with everyone (including Adi Da):

The ego-'I' is 'self'-destructive and 'other'-destructive. The ego-'I' is a cornered rat. The 'self'-contraction confines the 'self' to a lesser principle of existence, a separate being. Everything associated with it, then, becomes a kind of surrounding, a kind of trap, a confinement. You alternate between the 'self'-doubting, 'self'-destructive orientation, and the 'other'-doubting, 'other'-destructive orientation until you become responsible, through 'self'-observation, for this confinement, this knot of egoity, and become coincident with the Totality of Existence, Divine Existence. Then you can begin to grow again, and not only in human terms, in the ordinary sense, but Spiritually, in the highest human terms. Avatar Adi Da Samraj in a gathering with devotees in August, 1982

In terms of facilitating Adi Da's Revelation in your own case, endless questions expressing doubts about Adi Da, Adidam, or self will not serve to attune you with that Revelation, the prerequisite for becoming Adi Da's devotee. They only magnify doubt, and answers to them at best only relieve doubt (momentarily); they are self-oriented activities, whereas the activities that serve the Revelation do not return you to "yourself", but rather open you to the Divine Reality (that includes, but is greater than, "you").

More specifically, if you are someone interested in the possibility of becoming Adi Da's devotee, but have doubts:

Taken together, these two observations imply that the Revelation is taking place on a different, deeper "level" than the questions, the question-answering, and the questioner — hence the Revelation "pulls the rug out" from under the questions, the question-answering, and the questioner. The Revelation and the questions (or answers to them) have nothing to do with each other! The only connection is a negative one: the doubt, fear, or other reactivity engendered by questions (or answers to them, or lack of answers to them) can cause one to become closed to the possibility of this Revelation. In this sense, such doubts can cause one to choose not to invest the time visiting Adi Da's "Room" to the point where you receive this Gift of Revelation. And that would be a great loss, when one considers one's destiny altogether.

2. The Dissolution of the Questioner

"Are there any questions?" was one of Adi Da's favorite lines when He gathered with His devotees, and from it — the questions asked by devotees, and Adi Da's responses — came thousands of talks filled with extraordinary wisdom. He humorously said once that, collectively, we were an "Avatar of reluctance", whose resistance to (and therefore, weakness in) practice, along with endless questions, were what led Him to create His extraordinary and comprehensive Wisdom-Teaching.

You all, meaning the whole community, should be championing this Teaching, communicating this Way, stabilizing this institution, creating communities, keeping the literature available everywhere, in all kinds of languages, devoting yourselves to benign communication of the Way and practicing it in your place. That is what we should be doing in the future, not struggling anymore with the beginner's reluctance. That struggle has served its purpose, which was to motivate Me to Teach, to cover all the bases, to deal with everything. Now you have done it. That was really good! That was really great! That was a great job you did! (Laughter) You are collectively an Avatar of reluctance! (Laughter) Very admirable — may you be praised for generations! (More laughter) But you have now served your purpose, and now you must become a different kind of Avatar. It is time we made a change. Avatar Adi Da Samraj, "The Grace of Indifference" The Dreaded Gom-Boo

And from time to time, Adi Da would tell us that the deeper purpose of this exercise of gathering and answering our questions was simply to provide a means to keep us occupied — to keep us "in the Room" with Him — while He transformed our state with His Spiritual Transmission, dissolving the questioner in the Enlightened State of Divine Ignorance (also known as "Perfect Knowledge"). And that indeed was what would happen. Late in the night, He'd ask again, "Are there any questions?" And there would be none: not because we had asked every possible question, but because we ourselves had been dissolved.

3. Five Ways To Lose the Revelation

As mentioned earlier, it's quite possible, even likely (until recognition is established as a moment-to-moment capability), that a moment of crystal clear, self-authenticating Revelation — a moment of recognizing Adi Da as the Divine — will be followed by many moments that are less clear, in which (if one is not careful) one can doubt what was Revealed, or someone we know can introduce doubt. For instance, one of Adi Da's detractors reading this might twist around what I wrote, and suggest that the moment where I perversely envisioned Adi Da and His devotees dancing around the room as a megalomaniac and His cultic followers was not a moment of egoity on my part, but a moment of clarity, and His Blasting me with His Force, was His putting me under His "spell" again.

It is possible to doubt anything and everything! Even that which you held most certain in another moment. As a rejoinder to the traditional saying, "Faith can move mountains", an old Persian proverb proclaims, "Doubt makes the mountain which faith can move." (And indeed, this whole article is in some sense about faith — not "faith" of the belief-based kind associated with conventional religions, but as Adi Da uses the word: faith that is grounded in direct Revelation.)

That's why it's so important to have an understanding of, and clarity about, the entire process in which you are engaged (whether you are Adi Da's devotee or considering becoming Adi Da's devotee), so that, if and when a Divine Revelation comes your way that authenticates itself with crystal clarity, you allow every aspect of your being to be imprinted with that Revelation and the memory of the absolute certainty you feel; and intentionally make a part of your practice from then on to keep your eye out for the onset of doubts (from yourself or others) that might jeopardize your connection to that Revelation, and threaten the thread of practice capable of restoring that Revelation in any moment — just like you readily commit yourself at your wedding ceremony to keep your eye out for (and work to banish) anything that comes along in your married life that could work to undermine the love relationship you have with your intimate partner.

The process of repeated Revelation (to the point of Realization) can be undermined in any number of ways (and, as a result, never really take off):

• I've seen a lot of people who never really allowed Adi Da's Revelation to deeply penetrate them (to the point of recognition of Him as the Divine), and so they rather easily moved on to other Gurus and spiritual alternatives. It's something like promiscuous people whose deep fear of commitment makes it difficult for them to enter into the real depth of intimacy, or anything but superficial relationships, which they leave at the first sign of difficulty, or when something new and attractive presents itself. They may even "get married" for a time (on the basis of temporary infatuation), but the label of "marriage" does not change their superficial participation in it, anymore than "becoming Adi Da's devotee" for a time (even years) changes a person's superficial participation in it, if that is their pattern.

• I've seen a lot of people gain and lose the thread of practice which links one to Adi Da as the Divine. (Adi Da has referred to it as a "thread" because it is very delicate when one is still a beginner. Another useful metaphor is that of fanning the flame; if one does not actively fan the flame, the flame can go out.)

• I've seen people confess God with absolute certainty in the presence of Adi Da, and then never return — usually getting preoccupied by circumstances or by people who distracted them from the profundity of the Revelation they had received; or by allowing the doubts of friends or family to generate doubt in oneself, in spite of the Truth of the Revelation.

• I've seen many people who — in the manner of "armchair" comparative religionists [1] — study many spiritual possibilities at a safe distance, feeling very "knowledgeable" about them all, but (fundamentally because of doubt and the associated inability to commit) never actually take up a life of practice within the living context of any one of these traditions; as a result, their only "fruit" has been a lot of knowledge about various Realizations, but no actual Realization. (Adi Da has sometimes called such people "spiritual pornographers" because they "get off" on reading the books, but don't actually participate in a living culture and a truly transformative practice.)
  

Perhaps all who have been touched by Adi Da will recognize Him as the Divine at some point, or be restored to that recognition — but it might take lifetimes to restore that recognition, once lost. What I've illustrated here are primarily useful object lessons for what not to let happen in your own case, as you consider Adi Da, and open your heart to the Divine Revelation He offers to everyone. If that Revelation arrives, stay in the Room with It! Treat It like the precious Treasure It is.

Don't ever allow yourself to lose It.

4. Romanticizing Recognition

It's easy to come into this process with all kinds of fairy tales about spirituality, romanticizing what Spiritual Masters and Revelations should look like. Or having romantic (and naive) notions like, "The Truth will out" when what is more accurate (especially in this time, but to some degree, in every time) is, as Adi Da puts it: "God is great. But unfortunately for you, bullshit is greater!"

For example, when I was much younger, I had the romantic notion that when you received an authentic Spiritual Revelation, from that moment on you would live "happily ever after", in the certainty of that Revelation. I could even associate that notion with a scene in a particular movie that had made a strong impression on me when I was young. In Miracle of Fatima, a lifelong atheist and skeptic finally was shown an extraordinary miracle (the sun appearing to fall from the sky, but then being restored to its proper place [2]), causing him to slowly take his hat off, lift his eyes to heaven and say with great feeling, "Only the fools say there is no God." (The implication being that, from then on, he was a transformed man, and that he never had any doubt again.) Doubt was not a part of my romantic conception of spiritual practice!

But in fact, so long as there is still a mind to transcend (and especially before recognition and hearing have been established as moment-to-moment capabilities), there is still the potential for doubt, and for "dark nights of the soul" — as well-known spiritual practitioners and Realizers have confessed, from Mother Teresa to St. Teresa of Avila to Jesus of Nazareth (crying from the cross, Eloi, Eloi, Lama sabachthani: "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?"). When one is Adi Da's devotee and has received this Revelation, it's best to be aware of this likelihood, and prepare for it ahead of time, so as to not be caught unawares at the appearance of doubt (either doubt of Adi Da or doubt of self), or without the self-understanding or the Spiritual means for restoring the Revelation. Just so, it's useful to know these facts about doubt before becoming Adi Da's devotee, so one doesn't romanticize that becoming Adi Da's devotee must coincide with not having any more doubts. Short of Divine Enlightenment, such a moment never comes!

Practice of the Way of Adidam is not a matter of being concerned about precisely what to do about these qualities that arise in you. It is a matter of remaining in your true Condition, which is Satsang with Me. There will be periods of dullness, of the tamasic quality, when you are just stupid, without any clarity whatsoever, when you do not remember anything about what you have understood, when you have no capability whatsoever to be intelligent, to speak clearly, to be direct with anyone, to feel that you have surrendered your separate and separative self. But that tamasic quality will always come and go. No one ever eliminates it entirely. It is always there, as one of the qualities of existence. Avatar Adi Da Samraj