Question:What about the "dissident" ex-devotees
who express negative feelings about Adi Da and Adidam on the Web?
Answer:
A recent independent study shows that most ex-devotees are NOT negatively disposed
toward Adi Da and Adidam — quite the contrary! But a small number of unrepresentative
(but very vocal) ex-devotees have created critical websites that are often mistaken
for the majority view among ex-devotees. And as it turns out, even some of those
most vocal critics are communicating a new and very different understanding of
Adi Da these days.
For those discovering Adi Da
and considering taking up the God-Realizing Way of Adidam, one frequent stumbling
block is their running across websites which list a couple of lawsuits, and things Adi Da allegedly did
that ended up ostensibly hurting some devotee.
When spiritual
seekers who have visited such websites arrive at our doorstep, they generally
(and not surprisingly!) are quite confused. They are impressed and often deeply
moved by Adi Da's obvious wisdom and compassion; they are often also deeply moved
by seeing His pictures or videos (many are feeling His Spiritual Transmission
in some form), or by hearing the extraordinary stories of Revelation by His devotees.
But they are then completely confused by the negative rumors going round. And
so generally, they come to us with questions of the form, "Did He or didn't
He?" (Or: "If He did, then can you account for why He did it in Spiritual
terms?")
A simple summary of what we find
when we systematically go through all the "did He or didn't He" questions
is this:
The source of
these stories is a very small, unrepresentative (but very vocal) group of ex-devotees.
Most ex-devotees are not at all negatively disposed toward Adi Da and Adidam,
and many maintain positive relationships with the Adidam community. Later in this
article (sections 2 through 4), we'll be
presenting a recent independent study conducted on this. One of the findings:
91% of ex-devotees consider Adi Da a "great religious teacher". A comment from a former devotee like the one below is not unusual:
[In response to a story about Adi Da:] As a devotee of Adi Da during the late 1970's and early 80's, I very much appreciate your acknowledgement
of Master Da's influence on your life and on the evolution of spiritual teaching in our time. He taught me more
than I can possibly recount, and I, too, am profoundly grateful.
Here's a more extensive comment from another former devotee, Jill Kelly-Moore, responding on a public website to someone asking her about the negative stories:
Jill Kelly-Moore: When I lived in the community (end of "Garbage and the Goddess" days) there were long periods of very serious practice. Once in a while, on a Friday, Master Da would call a party, during which time all living conditions were lifted. I saw those times as ways of determining just what anyone was really craving that the conditions prevented. For me it was coffee, and forbidden foods. But I do have an eating disorder, so that fits.
Most people in my households indulged in cigarettes, alcohol, a bit of pot and some sexual fun; that was all I witnessed. It was a nice change from the conditions, but usually, we were back on the conditions on Monday.
As I said before I was not part of the inner circle. I never really wanted to be. I knew intuitively that I was there to be a student, live the life of a student, to gain insight from that. There were those who did want the inner circle and frankly, it seemed Master Da gave them a double dose of what that would mean; he would give things (position, influence) and take them away with great rapidity, which I took to be a lesson tailored for that individual so they could see what they were doing.
I cannot answer to all of the rumors, stories, lawsuits, etc. because I did not witness any of that. My experience there, while challenging to the set of situational ethics I had invented from living in counterculture, was wholly good. While I am aware that most people, including you, I guess, are much more interested in the seedier and more spurious stories, I cannot speak to those. I believe I was given exactly what I needed. . .
[On leaving:] I knew I was not completely committed, heart and soul, to Master Da as Guru and God. I did not think it fair to others to stay under those circumstances, even though I was having a wonderful experience and will always speak kindly of Master Da and my time there.
Or read
this in
memoriam from Terry Patten, who considers Adi Da to be his "root-guru".
Terry Patten: My root-guru, Adi Da Samraj, passed a year ago this Thanksgiving in Fiji. He was 69.
I was a devotee of this great God-realizer from the age of 22 until I was 37.
He not only profoundly transformed my life and consciousness, but, I think, helped
transform the entirety of contemporary Western spirituality, even though he is not
nearly as widely known as he is influential.
On this anniversary of his passing, I remember him with gratitude, and look back
in amazement at his legacy. Please know, words fail here. To speak about Adi Da
is to nominate oneself as one of the blind men reporting on the elephant. Adi
Da was one part Jesus Christ, one part Picasso, one part Nagarjuna, one part
Marlon Brando, and one part Genghis Khan. And more. . .
This
is true of many "former" devotees: they still consider Adi Da to be
their Teacher or Spiritual Master (or one of their teachers or masters), even
if they have associated with other teachers or masters in the meantime.
Nancy C. is no longer a formal devotee of Adi Da, but the reason she "left"
may surprise the reader:
Nancy C: Even though I am no longer a formal student, the argument of [Adi Da's] teaching has stayed with me, and I have remained suspicious of my self-involved motives at every turn. It has made me more tolerant of other ways of life, and more open to change. . . He criticized me for being an idealistic romantic, and wanting to make my own religion rather than turn to Him. In fact, I seemed incapable to submit to that relationship in a mature fashion, and I came to wonder if the whole construct of the Guru-devotee relationship was even possible for me. I entered into it very naively (and also with a lot of baggage). But every time I saw Him, I was so immersed in love. Even when I view a picture of Him now, I come to rest in truth. He awakens me to love. I have experienced awakenings with viewing other murtis, viewing a tiger, and even just being present with anyone brings me into that experience again . . . but with Him it always goes deeper. . .
I’ve called Him a madman, I’ve called Him a saint, I’ve called Him a hedonist, and a trickster. I’ve called myself a sheep for following Him, but now I yearn for Him, and can only find Him, in everything and everyone. I see Him now as I write, mad with Love, and longing to be connected to something beyond my ordinary limitation. Anything short of that is unbearable. The gift He gave me was like no other gift I have received in my life. . . I found in Samraj Adi Da a doorway from maya, even though it nearly killed me to see what was necessary. . .
I left Adi Da Samraj because the revelation of Narcissus was unbearable to me. Yes, there were “others” that hurt me, that abandoned me, but it’s what I did in the face of that which created the real suffering. You can say anything you want about this incredible being, Adi Da Samraj, but in my reality, He was the only one who showed me true love, who was willing to insult me to the ultimate degree to help me to see my real condition. Every day I pray that I live the gift of revelation He gave me. I pray that I live as an open heart surrendered to truth, and aligned to the beauty He demonstrated to me. In my life, He was the only one that loved me freely and fiercely. Not "me" as a separative ego, but me as an aspect of the Divine shining to infinity and throughout each and every body-mind.
Joseph Blanchette explains why he will not "recommend" Adi Da to most spiritual seekers:
I am not Pro, per se, nor am I Con either, in retrospect, and after years of deeply considered and completely amazing relationship with Adi Da Samraj and "The Community", I am instead in Mystery. Most Spiritual Teachers currently will promise you a vision, a meditation, or something, something that will alter your present State of dissatisfaction or unhappiness. Adi Da Samraj promised me nothing. I have been asked by younger spiritual seekers if I recommend Adi Da Samraj, and I say "No" — not because I feel Adi Da Samraj is invalid; instead, it is because most spiritual seekers are casual "seekers", looking for "the Blue Pearl", a "Chakra High", or some casual Enlightenment to surmount the World and remove their fear of Death. Adi Da Samraj supplied none of that. Adi Da Samraj was a disappointment to almost all casual spiritual seekers.
Adi Da Samraj was everything you did not expect or want. If you sought Asceticism, He appeared to be Self-Indulgent. If you wanted Self-Indulgence, He only offered you the deepest personal Asceticism. He would upset you deeper than any relationship you ever had, and you became enthralled with Him more than with anyone — Ever. Adi Da Samraj fulfilled the Classical Guru function; He was a "Fire", and He burned you — one does not approach The Guru without a gift, or casually.
With most, I do not share my relationship or experiences with Adi Da Samraj. . . they are too close, too personal, too dear, and only a tiny few have the capacity to feel into the understanding of such a relationship. He was not a conventional Man.
Many of the alleged "incidents" flat out didn't happen.
This includes those allegations that formed the basis for the primary lawsuit
— read this
letter from the complainant, Beverly O'Mahony, which completely exonerates
Adi Da:
Beverly: I agree that 99% of what I have seen of any reporting
on the Community/Guru is horseshit.
It is also worth noting that, in 2006, a devotee in England was involved
in a child custody case where her ex-husband thought he could gain some legal
advantage by bringing up in court all the slander he could find about Adi Da Samraj
on the Internet. The judge went through every allegation, and dismissed every
single one of them as being either hearsay, rumor, or utterly irrelevant, and
having no legal basis in fact.
Some incidents occurred,
but are greatly twisted out of context by Adi Da's detractors. As just a few
of many examples, read our stories from Lynne
Wagner, Katsu,
and Eileen
McCarthy, and Sally
Taylor, who provide the actual context of the "incidents". For example:
Lynne Wagner: When told that I was being sued for "imprisoning" Beverly, my first response was amazement. It was such a distortion of the real events, I could not believe that she was serious. During the couple of weeks Beverly was on retreat in Fiji, I talked with her two or three times about her practice and what she was going through with Brian. She was very unhappy about their relationship and determined to confront him when she got back to California. Discussing her marital problems was uncomfortable, but I was Brian's friend, had just met Beverly and wanted to help them, because I thought they loved each other.
I suggested that Beverly stay on the island a bit longer, take some time to relax, come to terms with her feelings of anger and betrayal and consider all the issues she wanted to bring up with Brian. And that's what she did — she waited a week or so until the next boat came to the island, and then she left. She certainly was not "held against her will".
Or read
this
article from longtime devotee, James Steinberg, who attended virtually every
occasion with Adi Da, including those associated with the alleged "incidents". From the article:
James Steinberg: There is no denying that our community
had great periods of experimentation in the emotional-sexual area. I never witnessed
nor heard of anything I would describe as 'sexual abuse', and I have been to many,
many gatherings.
You may also find it helpful to read this
article on how all such experimental considerations were completely voluntary. From the article:
Crane Kirkbride: I've had personal examples of when I received “strong encouragement” to participate in a particular consideration relative to some aspect of practice and said, “no.” And it was let go — no forcing. Strong invitation, because Adi Da clearly saw something about me that could have been served by my being seen or revealed or exposed or released through participation. But even so, there was no forcing. In all the years I've been around Adi Da — thirty-two, or however long it is now — I've never seen anybody forced into a position that he or she clearly said “no” about. . . .
I remember one occasion (among many) when a devotee simply said, “I don’t need it and I’m not interested.” And so he didn’t participate. And there was no problem about it.
Some incidents require recognizing that Adi Da is a genuine
Spiritual Master and Spiritual Transmitter, and understanding what that means.
Read our stories from Connie
Mantas and Chris
Tong and Wes Vaught for just a few of many examples. Or read James Steinberg's
article on Money
and the Guru, for another dimension of this, as well as James' book, Divine
Distraction, about the esoteric nature of the Guru-devotee relationship
(with Adi Da in particular, and throughout history altogether).
Just to illustrate how things get distorted, here is what Connie Mantas wrote, in response to rumors on various negative websites
that Adi Da "hit a pregnant woman in the belly":
Connie Mantas: Around September or October of 1974, I was in the last trimester of my pregnancy with my son, Ben. Spontaneously one evening, as we stood near the Master's Chair chanting softly to Him, Beloved Adi Da reached out and placed His hand very forcefully on my swollen belly. I fell back in a swoon of His Spiritual Force onto the devotees who were standing behind me, and we all just stood in that moment together. I closed my eyes and continued to feel His Spiritual Transmission very strongly in my body. Then it was over just as quickly as it began.
Later, at the end of the evening, I still could feel the touch of His hand on my stomach, and I had a sense of His strong Blessing, as if by placing His hand there He were calling His devotee into being. Several months later, I had a wonderful baby boy, fully healthy and strong.
Many years later, that baby boy, Ben Grisso, would grow
up into a young man with a very strong devotional response to Adi Da. During the final years of Adi Da's human lifetime, Ben lived with Adi Da on Adi Da Samrajashram and served Him directly, helping Him create His Image-Art.
There
are a few incidents for which we may never have any (conventionally acceptable)
explanation.
Of course to
have to focus on what Adi Da didn't do (like those anti-Adi Da sites do
throughout, or like we are doing here for a brief moment) is to completely miss
what He did do. In addition to the extraordinary gifts He gave to everyone
— the Empowered Sanctuaries,
His amazingly profound, comprehensive, and Revelatory Teaching-Wisdom,
His Revelatory Image-Art, a worldwide
community of devotees capable of invoking the Divine for real (and capable of helping others fo the same), advanced practitioners
of the Way of Adidam who provide ongoing inspiration and practical guidance, etc.
— this site contains hundreds of stories from individual devotees, expressing
their gratitude to Adi Da for countless gifts, from Divine Revelation and Spiritual
Transmission to human maturity and freedom.
To get immersed in
what Adi Da did or didn't do (or to allow it to become the sticking point in one's
approach to Adi Da) also misses the overarching reality of the Way of Adidam:
those devotees who have received the Revelation
of Adi Da as the Divine (the only right starting point for becoming Adi Da's
devotee) to the point where they have been transformed by that Revelation are
notatall troubled by (or fixated on) such questions. The Reality of the Divine
— Revealed by Adi Da in every moment of contemplation of Him — has become so profound
and so obviously the Center and Purpose of truly sane life, that the suggestion
of throwing out the "Baby" (that direct, tangible access to the Divine
via Adi Da, in every moment) with the "bath water" (those "did
He or didn't He?" questions) seems truly absurd.
2. Most ex-devotees are NOT negatively disposed toward Adi Da and Adidam
Those
ex-devotees who are negatively disposed are not at all representative of ex-devotees
in general, being far exceeded in number by the ex-devotees (and, of course, current
devotees) who have positive feelings, or who have appreciated (and feel they have
benefited from) the time they spent in Adidam.
This
is actually a common finding by sociologists of religion who study new religious
movements: the vast majority of ex-members of a typical new religious movement
have positive feelings, or at worst, mixed feelings about the time they spent
with the movement. However, the small number of negatively disposed "dissidents"
(or "apostates", as they are often referred to in the literature of
sociologists of religion) tend to be the most vocal of all the ex-members. They're
the ones who build websites or write books to express their negative feelings,
whereas the relatively positively disposed majority of ex-members remain a "silent
majority":
[Referring to
new religious movements in general:] In my research, I discovered that most
voluntary defectors were ambivalent or even positive about their former religion,
often characterizing their membership period as a beneficial learning experience.
[Referring to new religious
movements in general:] Most former members do not become apostates. They remain
— in sociological terms suggested by David Bromley and others — "defectors" (members
who somewhat regret having left an organization they still perceive in largely
positive terms), or "ordinary leave takers" with mixed feeling about their former
affiliation. However, ordinary leave-takers (and, to some extent, defectors) remain
socially invisible in so far as they do not like or care to discuss their former
affiliation. Apostates, being more visible, are mistaken for the genuine representatives
of the former members.
But
because this unhappy minority is so vocal, many people unfamiliar with the whole
picture often get the impression that this minority is representative of all
ex-members. As these studies show, that impression is generally incorrect.
3. Statistics on ex-devotees
We are now able to confirm this (and even
quantify it) in the specific case of Adidam.
Dr. James Lewis (who teaches
at the University of Wisconsin at Stevens Point, is the author of many works on
the study of new religious movements, and is not a devotee of Adi Da) recently
conducted a
pilot study (presented at the 2009 CESNUR conference) of ex-members of Adidam
to determine the actual statistics for Adidam ex-members. His initial findings
reflect the same pattern found for most new religious movements: dissidents
are a minority of all ex-members. (In fact, whereas in general, dissidents
make up
less than 15% of all ex-members of a new religious movement, in Adidam, the
number appears to be much less — see the tables below, with figures of 0%
to 6% for the "dissident" responses to survey questions.)
Here are some
of the specific findings from Dr. Lewis's survey of ex-members of Adidam.
Has your involvement with
Adi Da and Adidam influenced your life for better or
for worse?
Better
91.2%
Mixed
5.9%
Worse
2.9%
Which best describes Adi
Da?
Great
Religious Teacher
85.7%
Average
Teacher
8.6%
Not
a genuine Teacher
5.7%
Which of the following best
describes the teachings of Adi Da?
True
61.1%
More
true than false
27.8%
More
false than true
8.3%
False
2.8%
Have you ever used the term
“brainwashed” to describe your involvement in Adidam?
Never
84.4%
Rarely
12.5%
Sometimes
3.1%
Always
0.0%
How would you describe your
attitude to Adi Da since ending your membership?
Positive
56.3%
More positive than negative
25.0%
Neither positive nor negative
15.6%
More negative than positive
3.1%
Negative
0.0%
When you ended your membership
in Adidam, were you able to do this freely, without
interference from the community of Adidam?
Easily
90.6%
Somewhat
easily
9.4%
Somewhat
difficult
0.0%
With
difficulty
0.0%
How would you describe your
relationship to the Community of Adidam since ending
your membership?
Positive
57.6%
More positive than
negative
27.3%
Neither
positive nor negative
15.1%
More
negative than positive
0.0%
Negative
0.0%
Dr.
Lewis's "bottom line" summary is this (boldface is ours):
If
the attitudes of this sample can be extrapolated to the population of all former
members, what this data indicates is that vocal ex-members who attack Adidam
on the Internet are not representative of most former participants. This does
not mean their criticisms should be rejected as entirely lacking in merit. Rather,
it means that the impression created by this handful of individuals — that
most former members feel that they were abused and are angry with Adi Da and Adidam
— should be rejected as lacking in merit.
We
have separately discussed (in section 1 and elsewhere
on this site) the lack of merit in the various claims and criticisms made by this
small but vocal group of ex-members — see our Lawsuits
section and our Crazy
Wisdom section. But the point being made in this article is that the small
group of "dissident" ex-members is not at all representative of ex-members
in general.
4. Education level of ex-devotees/devotees
One interesting additional statistic Dr. Lewis measured was the educational level
of ex-members:
What is the highest level
of education you have completed?
Less
than High School
0.0%
High
School/GED
8.8%
Some
College
14.7%
2-year
College Degree
5.9%
4-year
College Degree
20.6%
Master’s
Degree
23.5%
Doctoral
Degree
17.7%
Technical
Degree
8.8%
Dr. Lewis comments:
If these findings can
be extrapolated to current members, then the educational level of Adidam outpaces
all other new religions for which educational statistics have been collected.
This
statistic may very well correlate with another of Dr. Lewis's findings: that 54.5%
of those he surveyed said that their initial point of contact with Adidam was
a book, which, in general, tends to attract
(and even require) an educated readership. Dr. Lewis, again:
Based
on evidence from a variety of studies, Dawson notes, “the majority of recruits
to the majority of NRMs [New Religious Movements] come into contact with the groups
they join because they personally know one or more members of the movement” (Lorne
Dawson, ‘Who Joins New Religions and Why: Twenty Years of Research and What Have
We Learned?’). However, if we can extrapolate from this sample, Adidam seems to
offer a significant exception to this general rule.
5. A new and very different understanding of Adi Da by some of His most vocal critics
As
a separate point: Adi Da doesn't recognize any such category as "ex-devotees".
Once someone makes an "eternal vow" to Him, He is eternally committed to them,
regardless of how nominal their practice is, and regardless of their seeming fluctuations
over time (including their apparent leavetakings or returns).
Anyone who comes into contact with the Adept will in one way or another or to one degree or another experience an awakening. Of course, they may defend themselves against it. They may have it momentarily and then contract from it, but that awakening is the significance of the true Adept. The function of the Adept is not to call people back to Realize God but to grant people the Realization of God instantly. Having established you in such Realization, the Adept calls you to practice the Way of that Realization, the Way of constantly abiding in that Realization. Such abiding requires the discipline of self-transcending submission to Divine Communion.
Avatar Adi Da Samraj, "What I Look For"
Adi Da has planted a
seed, and eventually (perhaps after many lifetimes), that seed will flower. And
indeed, for that reason, we invite all ex-devotees (or people who feel themselves
to still be Adi Da's devotee, but are no longer formally participating in Adidam
in any way) to consider the possibility of returning to formal practice of the
Way of Adidam, because that seed Adi Da planted is still there in you, and because
it is easier for most of us to cultivate recognition of (communion with) Adi Da in a cultural setting
with other practicing devotees than by oneself.
Interestingly, because of the spiritual reality of
that eternal relationship, Adi Da's Grace continues to serve even the greatest
critics among His "ex-devotees". When they discover they can't "get
rid of Him", they are required to reach a different understanding of who
He is, to attain some measure of psychic peace in themselves.
For
example, the ex-devotee who refers to himself as "Elias", who was the
creator of (what was for many years) the most prolific "anti-Adi Da" website and who has been Adi Da's most
vocal critic, recently offered a radically different view of Adi Da than the negative
one he has been posting on the Web for years. In the context of an extended, ongoing
exchange primarily with another vocal ex-devotee critic (Conrad), Elias describes
how his experience of Adi Da and Adi Da's actions has changed over time, through
psychic, visionary awareness of Adi Da, and interaction with Him, especially after
Adi Da's Divine Mahasamadhi on
November 27, 2008. Here are some excerpts from that exchange.
Elias: Yeah, at the end of the day, I am with Da on almost
everything he said. I am even willing to cut him a great deal of slack on his
activities. [Nov. 9, 2010]
Adi Da's entire meaning and purpose and reason
for being was (and is) to shake you and challenge you and offend you until you
fall out of the passivity and stupor of submission to everything that is going
on around you — the illusion of an objective world.
He once said that he
was like a black hole appearing in the midst of a starfield — an opening to what
lies beyond this universe.
What this means is that in his own life (here
and elsewhere), he is a dynamic exponent of unsupported awareness that dissolves
and swallows every mindform, karma, and sanskara that comes within its ever-expanding
field of Consciousness.
In that he is an individual — a man who engaged
in a great work and achieved a transcendent result. [Nov. 22, 2010]
What
I see is a continuous revolution of mind and "modifications of consciousness"
in the West to reach toward a truthful reflection of an underlying numinosem
— the Self — that began moving on the West over a hundred years ago. . . . What
there is is a great Gift that was given long ago, and is only slowly (but steadily)
being integrated into our culture.
Believe it or not, I see
Adi Da as a facet of that Gift — and a very important one, esoterically speaking.
[Dec. 17, 2010]
Some people will say that Adi Da wasn't anything like I
am claiming or suggesting. They will say I am inventing a new Adi Da, a version
of him to lay to rest the inner contradictions I feel about him. Could be. :-)
[Nov. 22, 2010]
Conrad: I was familiar with Advaita before I even
came to Adi Da, which in part was why I was able to understand his teachings fairly
well. But even I tended to make the mistake of thinking that he had an original
interpretation or point of view, and in most cases this is simply not true. It's
a common mistake in Adidam devotees who are unfamiliar with the Advaitic tradition
that Da draws upon for most of his esoteric teachings.
Elias: My
own view is that statements like the above [Conrad's] — which are not uncommon among those
who seek to find a fulcrum from which to dismiss Adi Da — reveal a profound failure
of the intuitive faculty relative to Adi Da.
My own view is that Adi Da
picked up the teachings of Advaita, Buddhism, and Kashmir Shaivism because he
recognized them as expressing precisely what he knew directly, beyond concepts
and words. . . .
You might say that [Conrad] (and others) are taking [Adi
Da] to task for honoring the tradition from which he springs! Imagine that!
My
view (which has coalesced in the years since Adi Da died) is that he not only
sprang from the Eastern traditions, but he actually transcended them. And in that,
he was a priori something new entering the universe from the Heart of Reality,
or God. [Nov. 22, 2010]
You might ask, "What's up Elias . . . you criticized
[Adi Da] for thirty years, and now you talk like a disciple?" No, I am not
a disciple. But I do know directly of what I speak. And that's why I'm not afraid
to say it. . . . [Nov. 22, 2010]
OneLove: My contention is that [Adi
Da] was divided against himself, as so many incidents seemed to indicate. . .
If his behavioral patterns worked for some to "shake them out of the illusion
of an objective world", more power to them.
Elias: OneLove, my experience
was similar to yours. Now it is different.
What's the difference? Well,
for one thing I discovered that Adi Da communicates openly from "beyond the grave"
(strange term that!)...
For another thing, his communication with me has
always been interactive, give-and-take, and "quantum" in the sense that my awareness
affected him as much as his awareness affected me. This in itself made me understand
something about the unitary field of awareness.
All the above makes me
barking mad in the eyes of those who remain firmly locked into earth-side consciousness,
I know.
But so what? I've always gone my own way, still do, and am happy
to report back to my friends in Munchkinland from time to time. [Nov. 27, 2010]
Conrad:
This is a really interesting development in your views of Da, and I think it bears
a good deal of explanation, rather than just cryptic sideways mentions like this.
Seeing as you have been THE leading figure in the vast Da-criticism field (okay,
not that vast really), this sounds like a very significant conversion process
that virtually begs for explanations, and lots of them. . . .
I wonder
if you feel any sense of conscience now about your own extensive criticisms and
denunciations of Da (the whole black sorcerer and "enemy of the Self" business
comes to mind) and if you feel an obligation to correct yourself and explain your
newfound views of Da.
Elias [dismissing the
suggestion that he provide a reasoned explanation to account for his changed views]:
One guy even emailed me that I ought to issue a blanket apology for "misleading"
people over the last fifteen or twenty years! He thinks that the few statements
I have made recently contradict everything I said before. They do not. . . But
no one will understand how that is so by maintaining and defending a fixed position
in the collective mind. [Nov. 27, 2010]
From what [Conrad]
says, it appears to have been a reasoned choice rather than a vision that drew
him into the Guru path. More's the pity, but at least he allied himself with a
damn good Guru, one of the best of our time in my opinion! [Dec. 19, 2010]
6. "Ex-devotees" who return
Because Adi Da's relationship with all His
devotees is eternal, it is also not too surprising that many "ex-devotees"
consider returning at some point. Many practice the Way of Adidam informally outside
the context of the Adidam community, in their contemplation of Adi Da. And an
increasing number are returning to become formal devotees.
Here
are just a few of the stories we have received from such "ex-devotees"
(often as they visit the Adi Da Up Close site), about their leaving and their
return (or possible return). Some had issues with people in the Adidam community,
but began to realize that wasn't a very good reason for giving up the spiritual
relationship with Adi Da:
Aaron:
I'm returning to Bhagavan Adi Da after some years 'dealing with issues' and
have just now found your site. WONDERFUL! I love it! It's rekindled things I forgot
and gave me new insights.
Many people describe
how they didn't fully appreciate who Adi Da was and what they were leaving until
many years later — prompting their return, or their considering returning, or
their finally actually becoming a formal devotee for the first time, with a rekindled
appreciation of Adi Da:
Alaya:
I had turned away from Adi Da in 1985, as I could not understand the workings
back then. Since 1985, I engaged different spiritual practices which were are
not at odds with Adi Da's View. But about a year ago, I realized, through reading
Adi Da's The Boundless
Self Confession, that all other ways are unnecessary, after Adi Da's Great
Ruchira Dham Event in 2000. Since then, I have been turning to Beloved Adi Da
Samraj; my attraction to Adi Da has never wavered. I have continued to study His
ecstatic life and Teaching, and I hold a Murti. The gifts that I received simply
contemplating a basic practice were undeniable.
I completed various Adidam
courses (including the devotee course), and was in the process of becoming a devotee.
I was heartbroken when He passed into Divine Mahasamadhi two days before I was
to start the process. In the moment of His passing, I experienced a crashing yogic
current whereby I could not walk for about an hour. A few hours later, I received
a phone call from a devotee advising me of His Mahasamadhi.
I cried solidly
for three days and nights — it felt beyond self. I then had the most remarkable
experience. I had not been able to look at the Murti for a day or so — not properly,
because I felt so upset. Then when I finally was able to do so, within minutes
the Murti changed to simply light as it often does for me. Suddenly, within the
Murti, a foot and and thumb appeared. The thumb then extended and burst into my
third eye, and again I experienced a crashing current and fell back.
Since
that moment, I have continued to turn to Beloved Adi Da and have had several remarkable
"experiences" which are astounding and a mystery. I could go on far more with
detailing the Gracious Gifts of Bhagavan that this one has felt and received.
On reading The
Boundless Self Confession, I can now understand totally what can only
be described as Adi Da's Great Sacrifice for the sake of all. This essay should
be read by all who have ears to hear!
Rex:
Thank you so much for this excellent website and chronicle of our Beloved,
Great Master Adi Da. It's my Source for daily Heart-Release/Reception of Adi Da
Samraj. I love the new insights I have gotten from the content, and I especially
enjoy any new stories that may come along. Bubba Free John came to me via a dream
I had in 1983, just one week after I had gotten married. That morning I woke up
with a strange (but familiar?) chant resounding in my head. I went to my favorite
"new age" bookstore at lunch that day and there was an original copy of The
Knee Of Listening right there on the bookshelf — I immediately recognized
the man on the cover as the man in my dream the night before. I regretfully never
made it to The Mountain Of Attention or became a formal devotee. But since Beloved's
Mahasamadhi, I have felt a weight lift off of me and am turning to Him more than
ever . . . Thanks to your website, I feel a connection again.
Tom:
Have studied Parama-Sapta-Na Adi Da's Teaching since 1979 and am just now [June, 2013] considering formalizing my relationship.
Please keep up the great work.
Chris G. was an Australian devotee of Adi Da from late 1980. He left the community after his first retreat. The Guru was never in doubt for him, but he didn't know how to practice for real in the face of Adi Da's overwhelming Transmission. Now, in 2017, he is on the way back to Australia after seven years in China. He is re-approaching to become a student-novice again.
In
other cases, people drifted away from Adidam rather than making any conscious
intention to leave, but now are more consciously returning or considering returning:
Marilyn C.: Been watching the Leela videos — reconnecting that way for the first time since the mid 1990's. My heart broke over and over again as the remembrance of Beloved Adi Da flooded my being. Wow. I was looking everywhere for Truth and finding nothing as powerful and obvious as This. Why had I ever forgotten in the first place?
David: I was a devotee of Love-Ananda for some time. I never intended to leave Him.
But I got caught up in life. I just moved away from community to study, and from
there I lurched from one crisis to the next. The more I attended to my crap, the
more stuck I became in it . . . like quicksand. I always intended to return one
day. Now He is gone (at least in human form) and I am wretched with grief.
I
have decided to return to the community and re-affirm my vow to Love-Ananda.
About
a week ago, I had a dream about Beloved Adi Da. He was giving Darshan and was
walking through a crowd of people. He came to me and I was straining to turn to
Him. He pushed me about a little, then I looked at His face and I saw a face within
His face. The inner face was made up of triangles of light. And the inner face
said: "Just notice Who you're looking at!"
It's time to return.
Still others were not able to deal with the reactivity and mind forms coming up in reaction to Adi Da's Blessing (when they originally were devotees), but they "came up to it" over time by growing in human maturity in the intervening years:
Jean-Pierre Le Roux: This Saturday (August 3, 2019), in a private Communion Hall close to the Mountain Of Attention Sanctuary, I re-took my Vows and was re-initiated into formal Second Congregation practice.
As someone who left the Work very deliberately thirteen years ago, I could not have imagined that this would ever have been possible.
After a year serving as part of Adi Da's security team in 2005 while He travelled in the United States, I went through my own unique meltdown.
Ultimately, and in summary, I felt betrayed in the deepest possible way, and I wanted no more of this. (I had wanted something from the Guru. I still do! But now I know that's not the game. He gives the Gift of inherent God-Realization, and not anything the ego desires in its delusional presumption of separateness and lack.)
And so, in early 2006, on the lawn outside Temple Adi Da at Da Love-Ananda Mahal, on the Hawaiian island of Kauai, I prostrated before Adi Da, took off my mala, offered it to Him, and told Him that we were done.
And I meant it. One does not break formal Samaya Vows lightly. Or at all! And one definitely does not break an eternal Vow to the living God-Man, the embodiment of Very Conscious Being. But I did. And was willing to eat the consequences, whatever they might be (in the traditional setting, these are often described as "hellish karmas for lifetimes"!). Such was my commitment to my leaving.
That night I felt like Gollum, strangely free, bound to my egoic fate, as I walked through the streets of a quiet Kauai suburb on the edge of dense jungle in a soft, misty drizzle, smoking sweet tobacco until the earliest light.
The months that followed were intense. I recall vividly a time when I hacked at my copy of Adi Da's Dawn Horse Testament with a large Japanese folded-steel tanto that I had purchased to kill myself with, all the while weeping and screaming. And then I would read passages from the progressively coming-apart book, and feel my love for Him and the Gift of His Perfect Dharma again. And then I would hack at it some more. . .
It feels amusingly theatrical and exaggeratedly dramatic to recall those memories now. But at the time, it was intense, real, and stark as fuck.
Fast forward thirteen years. . . I have worked through all that to the point where I can begin the formal sadhana again — because I want it, and I need it. It was an eight year (re-)approach this time, with (frankly) more testing than the original three years it took me to come under Vow after Bhagavan Adi Da first touched me.
And interestingly (and even somewhat painfully), I am, in this very moment, confronting similar patterns and mind forms that were the context for my leaving originally. And it feels as if the sadhana is simply picking up where it had left off. Thankfully, now there is more maturity and I can "conduct" all this, and roll with it. And looking back at my original reaction, it was something that I simply did not have the capacity to conduct then. Just that had been my reason for leaving.
If anything, my time away (even though I always felt Adi Da Present in my life and my attention remained with Him) has granted me a level of personal responsibility that was not the case during my earlier formal sadhana from 2000 to 2006. And I am grateful for the profoundly sobering slap and growth that has occurred in these last thirteen years. Perhaps in my case, it was required. I've humorously heard Beloved describing how some people need to be beaten half to death before they get it — and that description certainly fits me to a degree!
In returning, I can feel, more than anything, the requirement to be present to this process with profound clarity, discipline and presence. It's no walk in the park! And while it is a Way of Grace, I do not have the luxury to be casual in relation to that Grace at all anymore. That's at least how it feels to me.
I am aware that many thousands of devotees have been with Adi Da and have left Him during the nearly forty years of His active Work as embodied Guru. I understand! Having been through what I've been through I could never judge anyone's leaving. Not for a moment! And the reasons would, no doubt, always be personal and unique in each case. My intuition, based on my own experience here, is that each one who has been Touched by Him will continue to have their own unfolding journey, Catalyzed and Blessed by the Presence of the living God-Man. And in some cases, they go on to do great, creative work in the world. Adi Da Says that He Takes the same Vow of Commitment to the Liberation of His devotees in the instant that they do. And He does not relinquish that ever. I think that is actually how it works. . .
So I am simply grateful for the opportunity to participate in the wild and living sacrifice that Adi Da Offers, and to be present with that fundamental and unconditional Happiness and Freedom that He Calls us all to — now, and now, and now.
Perhaps
all who were touched by Adi Da will recognize Him as the Divine at some point,
or be restored to that recognition — and will comprehend (or re-comprehend) His
actions and His human lifetime altogether on that basis. But it might take lifetimes
to restore that recognition, once lost. So the best thing one can do, if and when
one receives that Revelation, is to treat It like the precious Treasure It is,
and don't ever allow yourself to lose It.
Question:
What about the "dissident" ex-devotees
who express negative feelings about Adi Da and Adidam on the Web? 
Answer:
A recent independent study shows that most ex-devotees are NOT negatively disposed
toward Adi Da and Adidam — quite the contrary! But a small number of unrepresentative
(but very vocal) ex-devotees have created critical websites that are often mistaken
for the majority view among ex-devotees. And as it turns out, even some of those
most vocal critics are communicating a new and very different understanding of
Adi Da these days. 
Terry Patten: My root-guru, Adi Da Samraj, passed a year ago this Thanksgiving in Fiji. He was 69.
I was a devotee of this great God-realizer from the age of 22 until I was 37.
He not only profoundly transformed my life and consciousness, but, I think, helped
transform the entirety of contemporary Western spirituality, even though he is not
nearly as widely known as he is influential.
Lynne Wagner: When told that I was being sued for "imprisoning" Beverly, my first response was amazement. It was such a distortion of the real events, I could not believe that she was serious. During the couple of weeks Beverly was on retreat in Fiji, I talked with her two or three times about her practice and what she was going through with Brian. She was very unhappy about their relationship and determined to confront him when she got back to California. Discussing her marital problems was uncomfortable, but I was Brian's friend, had just met Beverly and wanted to help them, because I thought they loved each other.
Crane Kirkbride: I've had personal examples of when I received “strong encouragement” to participate in a particular consideration relative to some aspect of practice and said, “no.” And it was let go — no forcing. Strong invitation, because Adi Da clearly saw something about me that could have been served by my being seen or revealed or exposed or released through participation. But even so, there was no forcing. In all the years I've been around Adi Da — thirty-two, or however long it is now — I've never seen anybody forced into a position that he or she clearly said “no” about. . . .
Connie Mantas: Around September or October of 1974, I was in the last trimester of my pregnancy with my son, Ben. Spontaneously one evening, as we stood near the Master's Chair chanting softly to Him, Beloved Adi Da reached out and placed His hand very forcefully on my swollen belly. I fell back in a swoon of His Spiritual Force onto the devotees who were standing behind me, and we all just stood in that moment together. I closed my eyes and continued to feel His Spiritual Transmission very strongly in my body. Then it was over just as quickly as it began.
Many years later, that baby boy, Ben Grisso, would grow
up into a young man with a very strong devotional response to Adi Da. During the final years of Adi Da's human lifetime, Ben lived with Adi Da on Adi Da Samrajashram and served Him directly, helping Him create 