Adi Da > Alaya Gernon
No Doubts Whatsoever
|Alaya Gernon has been a
devotee of Adi Da since 2009. She lives in England, is an
Interfaith Minister, heals people using vibrational energies,
and provides spiritual coaching.
Prior to becoming Bhagavan Adi Da Samraj's devotee, I had a spiritual practice with Ramana Maharshi. Despite feeling utter peace with that practice for years, I was still attracted to and felt a pull to Adi Da Samraj. He appeared in many dreams, and I read His Word avidly.
Adi Da clearly stated in His Teaching that He Is the all-completing Way for all beings, the only Way that offers the seventh-stage Awakening to Prior Unity.
When I contemplated Adi Da, I could feel a tangible difference in awareness and yogic current, when comparing it to my practice with Ramana Maharshi. With Adi Da Samraj, there was no inward focus or contemplation on my part; I didn't "do" anything. Yet I could feel the most incredible yoga occurring. Adi Da's Siddhis were undeniable. In contrast with the tranquility and peace which I felt with Ramana Maharshi, with Adi Da, I was lifted to a feeling of profound equanimity.
In that great moment of Awakening I knew the Truth was not a matter of seeking. There were no "reasons" for joy and freedom . . Instead, I saw that the Truth or Reality was a matter
of the removal of all contradiction, of every trace of conflict, opposition, division, or desperate motivation within. Where there is no seeking, no contradiction,
there is only the unqualified knowledge and power that is Reality.
Avatar Adi Da Samraj
The Knee Of Listening
But my resistance to fully turning to Adi Da was also real. It was centered around the various allegations on "negative websites" of sexual abuse, drugs, and abuse of devotees, and the doubts raised in me by these allegations.
Some further context: I had been sexually abused as a child. While I had healed a great deal of the wound and the anger, I did not realize at the time how much my wound and past abuse were affecting my judgements about Adi Da and beliefs about how a human Incarnation of the Divine should behave. And so I found myself full of judgements, and doubts about whether Adi Da could be spiritually realised.
The contrast between Adi Da and Ramana Maharshi was a source of further doubts. Ramana fit all the traditional stereotypes of the "great Spiritual Realizer". His purity was not in doubt; there were no reports or rumours about any "bad behaviour" on his part. Also, Ramana placed no demands on how devotees should approach him, but was more encouraging for people to approach as they felt.
Another source of doubt: In the 1970's, Adi Da Samraj had said that Ramana Maharshi was a seventh-stage Realiser. (This was relative to Adi Da's "seven stages of life" framework.) Then in the 1990's, Adi Da described Ramana as a sixth-stage Realizer. Adi Da's critics insinuated that He was "demoting" all other Realizers so that He could "promote" Himself as the one and only seventh stage Realizer.
I spoke to many devotees confessing my doubts, and no one really could offer any explanation that relieved me of them.
But then I read Adi Da's extraordinary book, The Boundless Self-Confession, and it had a profound effect on me. I received a revelation that, like certain other Spiritual Realisers,
Adi Da was reflecting to the person their own human state through
unusual (sometimes seemingly aberrant) actions, and that the truth
of Him was not reflected by these actions. As He
What I Do is not the way that I Am, but the way that I
What I Speak is not a reflection of Me, but of you.
People do well to be offended or even
outraged by My actions and behavior. This is My purpose.
But their reaction must turn upon themselves, for I have
not Shown them Myself by all of this. All that I Do and
Speak only reveals people to themselves.
I have become willing to Teach in this uncommon manner
because I have known My friends — and they are what I
can seem to be. By retaining all qualities in their company,
I gradually wean them of all reactions, all sympathies,
all alternatives, fixed assumptions, false teachings,
dualities, searches, and dilemma. This is My Way of Working
for a time. . . .
Freedom is the only Purity. There is no Teaching but
Consciousness Itself. My Appearance here is not other
than the possibilities of humankind.
Avatar Adi Da Samraj
The Way That I Teach
When I had originally read this, I was skeptical. I thought this
was a rather convenient way for Adi Da to not "own" His own behaviour!
But after I read The
Boundless Self-Confession, something shifted in me.
I Am the Breakthrough of That One Who Intrinsically
Transcends all cosmic appearances. . .
My Divine Avataric Self-Submission Was an Act of Identification with the body-mind-"self" of every one, with the "world" as a whole, and with the cosmic domain altogether.
My Divine Avataric Self-Submission Was Necessary for the Transformation of the body-mind-"self" of every one, of the "world" as a whole,
and of the cosmic domain altogether. . .
Through the Unique and Paradoxical Process of My Divine Avataric Self-Submission (Which Process Was the Case from the Moment of My Birth), I Achieved
Perfect Coincidence, and Perfect Identification, with all-and-All.
My Divine Avataric Self-Submission Was a Means Whereby I Took on the pattern of humankind (and of the "world" altogether), in order to Transform that pattern
in My Own Person. . .
What I Did in My Time of Divine Avataric Self-Submission was not (in any sense) a form of "foolishness", not at all a "mistake".
Because of the Unique Divine Avataric Nature of My Birth and Work, My Divine Avataric Self-Submission Was Required to Be exactly As It Was. . .
All have been Meditated by Me.
All have been Embraced by Me.
Now, on the basis of whole-bodily-responsive devotional recognition of Me, all limitations can be shed.
That Is how the Process Works In My Divine Avataric Company.
That Is the Process for the future.
Avatar Adi Da Samraj
The Boundless Self-Confession
I now felt the truth of what He was saying. And I decided I should
turn to Him.
At last, my attraction to Adi Da overwhelmed my doubt and resistance.
I became Adi Da's devotee in 2009. This initiated a profound process of purification in which Adi Da would ultimately address and relieve all my doubts in the most profound manner, and would completely heal me of all past abuse.
I'll now describe that miraculous process.
* * *
In the year after becoming Adi Da's devotee, many experiences of ecstatic Communion with Adi Da occurred.
But synchronistically (relative to the doubts I have been describing), the first service work I was asked to do (for the Adidam Mission) was to look at the "negative websites" and familiarize myself with the allegations of sexual abuse and other allegations, because those interested in Adi Da and the Way of Adidam would naturally run across these "negative
websites" and have questions and doubts like I had had.
I can see now how Beloved Adi Da was playing with me psychophysically! I hadn't really resolved my own doubts, so now they were being dredged to the surface again in me. Of all the service work I could have been given, here I was trawling through absolutely all the negative allegations and stories about Him. And it was totally toxic to me. . . As Adi Da says, "you become what you meditate on." I found myself full of doubt — again!
So I talked to other devotees again about how I felt. It helped, but I knew that the doubts were still there in the back of my mind.
* * *
But then I went to a retreat at the European Danda in Holland, and what happened there was truly miraculous.
When I arrived, I had the most awful headache. This became so debilitating that I dropped out of the core programme and went to the meditation hall for Second Congregation devotees. I offered my flower to Adi Da and prostrated to Him. Then I sat before His Murti picture at the front of the hall. My head was throbbing.
I asked Beloved Adi Da if He could please relieve my bad headache.
The headache got much worse. I felt unable to move.
So I asked Him for relief again.
Now it became a thunderous headache, with shooting pains!
I was in such pain that I stopped asking for relief.
Suddenly I saw Him, in all His Divine Beauty. Instantly, my headache vanished. I realised that I had not been approaching Adi Da properly. I had been seeking relief for myself, rather than turning to Him and forgetting myself.
Then all the doubts I had came floating in and out of my mind again, like more bad headaches. "Was Adi Da Samraj everything He said He was?" "What is the difference between Him and Ramana?" "Were any of the allegations on the negative websites true?"
Suddenly, Adi Da Himself appeared in the room, life size. He was sitting right in front of me. I had never been in His physical Company while He was alive, but it was just like that. Behind Him, His photograph vanished in Bright White Light.
The yogic current was undeniable! I sat in ecstasy, beholding Him.
And then — suddenly, it was Ramana Maharshi sitting in front of me!
I stared in disbelief.
Then it was Krishna, then Ganesh, then Gautama Buddha, then Nisargadatta Maharaj, Mooji, Amma, a series of sages, famous people throughout the ages, Hafiz, . . .
It was like an animated picture show from beyond this realm.
And then Adi Da Samraj appeared again, still sitting before me, smiling. As He appeared, I heard the lines from one of our sacred Invocations being spoken: "You are the 'Bright', the Light Itself, above all Lights, Who is the Light to those who call for Light."
As Bhagavan Adi Da looked at me, I spoke to Him saying, "Bhagavan, You are showing me that You are it all, everything and everyone."
Adi Da nodded — and then, suddenly, He was gone. The room returned to "normal", but His Murti photograph was still shining.
I continued to behold Adi Da as I looked at His Murti. But He had not finished with me yet!
I was sitting, but I now felt like I was being pulled through something revolting. My eyes felt as if they were covered by a "veil" that was a most horrible colour of grey with black floating shapes in it.
It felt like a layer of yuck!
My body felt as if it was moving, although strangely, I was also aware of sitting. But the room could not be seen, just this "veil".
I trusted Adi Da Samraj and allowed His yogic current to pour through me. I burst through the "veil" into the Brightest White ever! I basked in this Bliss for what felt like an eternity.
Adi Da was gifting me with the Divine State of Prior Unity, which I was now feeling tangibly.
When I came back into the moment and the room, I felt no doubts whatsoever about Who He was.
All my random thoughts about the negative allegations and my own past abuse had vanished. None of it had any consequence, because — as mad as it may sound to the conventional mind — I knew: in the condition of Prior Unity, none of it mattered. In the condition of Prior Unity, none of it had even happened.
When I ran into some other devotees, I discovered I had been missing for four hours. Looking at me, they said, "Something profound has happened to you."
In my life, I have been graced by many mystical awakenings and happenings. But nothing compares to Bhagavan Adi Da Samraj and His Divine Work.
* * *
One thing puzzled me for weeks after this occurrence. What exactly was that grey "veil" that Adi Da had revealed to me?
Bhagavan Adi Da moves in mysterious ways! Three weeks later, I was in London and ran into Carolyn Lee, who had been Beloved Adi Da's editor for years.
She asked me how I found Adi Da, and I told her about the astonishing, recent event at the European Danda.
When I mentioned the "veil", she raised her eyebrows and said, "Wait here! I have something to read you", and she left the room.
When she returned, she read a paragraph to me from one of Adi Da's books. In it, He said that it was as if the whole of human race have been covered by a grey egg shell which was preventing everyone from seeing the Truth. He said that, throughout history, different Spiritual Realisers and Adepts of various degrees had appeared. They had pierced the egg and had shone light into it.
Adi Da has a different, Divine Purpose, that coincides with His Divine Emergence here: "I have come to shatter the egg."
It is as if humankind is existing in a shell, a kind of spherical enclosure. Here and there, in moments of time, with unique individuals, a hole has been broken through that shell and the light is seen through it. There is ecstatic joy in the breakthrough, and various movements begin. "Religions" arise on the basis of these breakthroughs. Now, after all this time, there are a lot of little holes in the shell. Each hole is associated with a tradition, a presumption of beliefs, presumption in mind, a "tribalism" of one kind or another. Looking up at the shell is like looking up at the sky. You see these little holes in the shell, each hole looking like a bright little spot, and you presume that the light seen through each hole is different from the light you see through any of the other holes.
My Divine Avataric Revelation here is the Shattering of that shell, the complete Obliteration of it, such that There Is Only That Light Which is otherwise seen through the little piercings, the little holes here and there. Truly, What you are looking at is What Surrounds the shell — the Divine Conscious Light Itself, Which Is all-and-All-Pervading and Self-Evidently The Case.
Avatar Adi Da Samraj
"My Revelation Is The Shattering of All Difference"
Spoken Instructions, 2008
* * *
It is a complete mystery how Adi Da works! All I know is that, following these events, my wound from abuse was gone.
What's more: my sister called me soon after, and said, "What has happened? I woke up and suddenly I do not feel anger toward dad anymore, just forgiveness — and I haven't done anything!"